Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
