We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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