Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize