Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
