Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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