I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
