I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize