I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
