Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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