I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
