Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
