Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
