People in love make me want to vomit
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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