He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
