God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
