i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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