OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
