i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
