we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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