Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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