Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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