So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
