Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
