just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
