he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
