Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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