My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
