before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize