just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
