R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
