Sry I called you an 8
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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