I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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