couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize