i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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