I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
