I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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