I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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