I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
