Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
