Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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