I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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