I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
