Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize