Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
