So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
My ass is underappreciated
Randomize
