Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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