I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
