from now on my penis is your penis
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
