I didn't shave. On purpose
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
