God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
