my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
