Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
