I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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