I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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