i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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