Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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