Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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