I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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