i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Randomize
