just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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