You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
