Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
