Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
