I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
