oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
