I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
